Sunday, 6 April 2014

DearestU I'm Failing Unloving You this 24/7 (As If I'm Surprised)

Dearest U,

It's been a week now since u threw me those epic FU bombs ( I even want to get back to you with a DearesU, F*ck to U 2 as a starter, but i just couldn't. oh .. my... Did i just drop it? uh. . sorry. never mind. you won't even read this) Anyway, I don't know why it's big deal on top of your usual omnipotent regards to oneself that caused me to piss of- BIG TIME - that time, but those FU bomb throwing-spree where shrapnels to a bullet.  A bullet tattoeed with  we are never really gonna work out. sorry.

I may have dodged that bullet over the course of six years.  But this time was straight to the heart. One that gets you dead on arrival even before an the ambulance to start it's engine.  My response was simple: let's break up. indefinitely. effective immediately.

We've had these episodes before. Like a lot of those episodes and reruns. And we always end up pressing rewind and reboot to a love story that though seemingly running smooth at each episode's opening credits but never ever getting close to a real climax - a year without a great big fight.- or say just 3 months of #peace #noWAR #loveNotwar #undersandMeI'llUnderstandYou . May be you were right that the issues are really all on me, for making up assumptions and for not fully trusting you back again. Maybe yes and maybe, that is part of the package I asked for when I asked for resignation so I could commence on finding what our relationship had made me become to and earmarked from there so I could change myself or just really move on.

Buy #WHY do I bother writing to anonymous reader that I hope to be you?

Because right now, just 7 days after i demanded we #BreakUp , I'm failing. I can't sum of the courage needed to say to your face that I am failing in this demand that  I asked  for. I missed you already.  And I want you back this soon.  And to ask you to forget all those words I said last week.  To get a glimpse of you or at least an exchange of hi hellos with you is a commodity i'm willing to pay at premium on top whatever I have now.  I miss you but I still hate you and love you at the same time.

And I hope this writing anonymously will get me to unboard all these strong contradicting emotions and get me to focus in this last week of this most horrifying #audit #season ever.

A week from a break up is a very scary experience. There is always that temptation to get back to the familiar feelings of being with that particular somebody.  But settling to familiar feelings for  momentary convenience instead discovering new ones that will make us wiser and braver is a very cowardly deed.  And I am done being coward, but I'm still not done  being with you (oh my God, here it goes again.. stop! stop missing! focus is the key!)

Honestly,  I really don't know why I'm doing these,  or why I am writing these stuffs to the world.  In my very clouded membrane these days, I know, though selfishly, I am  slowly releasing myself from you and from my old self for the world to consume, so that when's there's nothing left of me, I can find that #Me  who is worthy of commitment and full trust of one person, reciprocally.

Yes that last 24/7 is a failure if we are to measure the number of hours i get to stare blankly over crowded financial statements,  because I can't stop thinking about you and how have you been since then.  But this blog will remind me how serious I am in unloving you.  This is a testatement that I am going to a certain direction. To move on and to be brave. What that destination really looks like ?  I really don't know yet.  And i really don't bother if it's still U who is gonna be there at the finish line.  All I know is a need this journey.

And I am serious and committed this time.

Thank you.


P.S this song has really been teasing me the whole week and it's s a total shit on how this LINE is perfect spot on to what I'm feeling right now:

Cause why I don't understandIs why I'm feeling so bad nowWhen I know it was my ideaI could've just denied the truth and liedAnd why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground