Sunday, 20 April 2014

DearestU, Yes I'm a Fool


I'am fool Yes.  And this says it all, courtesy of Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton:



Another shot of whiskey please bartender
Keep it coming 'til I don't remember at all
How bad it hurts when you're gone (no, no, no, no)

Turn the music up a little bit louder
Just gotta get past the midnight hour (uh, huh)
Maybe tomorrow it won't be this hard

Who am I kidding?
I know what I'm missing

Oh, I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And I waited and waited so long
For someone who'll never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)
I'm just a fool

[Blake Shelton]
I say that I don't care and walk away, whatever
And I tell myself we were bad together (uh, huh)
But that's just me trying to move on without you

But who am I kidding?
I know what I'm missing

I, I had my heart set on you
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And I waited and waited so long
For someone who'll never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)
I'm just a fool

For holding onto something that's
Never ever gonna come back
I can't accept that it's lost

I should've let it go
Held my tongue
Kept my big mouth shut
'Cause now everything is just wrong, wrong, wrong

I'm just a fool
A fool for you
I'm just a fool

I, I had my heart set on you (uh)
But nothing else hurts like you do
Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I waited and waited so long
For someone who'll never come home
It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah)
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool

It's my fault to think you'll be true (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'm just a fool

Friday, 11 April 2014

DearestU: This is my all time low.


This is my all time lowest point in my career. I feel like I've reached the deepest pit of disgrace and incompetence in my work, and instead  of feeling that when you had reached the lowest be glad cause there is no other way but to go up; I'm feeling that i can dig deeper than where I am now. I'm becoming an epic fail in all proportions.

I'm losing clients' trust, they are dissatisfied, my team's morale is down, my manager is so frustrated at me, and I haven't got a good sleep in the past 2 months. A 5 hour sleep is becoming a very precious commodity, I can't afford. And worst of all, instead of fucosing more than ever, when I faced facebook's status bar asking "   What's on your Mind?"

I've got a three letter respond and posted: YOU

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

DearestU I Hope you're doing well


Other than than. I have nothing to say to you.
I'm starting to get used to this.

Sunday, 6 April 2014

DearestU I'd dated someone after I wrote that first blog.


I know you'll say: F*ck!

What?!  Like hell yah! what have I done?

We always knew I am the spontaneous one in that relationship.  But am I really this spontanoeous? I don't know, all i know is that I really needed you  and your hands to hold earlier and you and your hands weren't just there earlier and I only have myself to blame.

I don't wan't to propose a valid excuse for what I had done because in all senses it is wrong but somehow it felt so right. I raise both hands and surrended in advance  to all possible curse words you could throw at me.

But P.S. #CaptainAmerica movie was really awesome, best of the #avengers.  In the middle of the clip you will be forgetting it's a superhero movie, and it feel james bondnic and sherlock in some senses.

Shit what am I doing? I guess I have to stop this for a moment. Why am I writing you this?

This is not to prove to you that I really am decided in moving on or I can find a replacement easily, because it wasn't really a romatic date, but more of hey can you be my next movie buddy? We didn't even have dinner. Just movie.

Oh my God why am I so defensive?  I really have to stop this.

Have to work now. Or my triple espresso shots we'll really go to waste.

Oh my God i forget to mention, we had coffee too.

But nothing really romantic. It's more of a finding a convenient meeting place for strangers knowing each other personally for the first time.

Oh my God ! Did I just mention stranger?  No we're actually virtual friends for a long time.

I have to stop this. Have to work now.

P.S.  This is really the last real post script for tonight:  I really missed U.  Nothing beats holding your hand in a theather and you checking on me every now and then if i've gotten slept.  I didn't know why you always do that cause I never really sleep in a movie house, but it was really sweet. I miss you

DearestU I'm Failing Unloving You this 24/7 (As If I'm Surprised)

Dearest U,

It's been a week now since u threw me those epic FU bombs ( I even want to get back to you with a DearesU, F*ck to U 2 as a starter, but i just couldn't. oh .. my... Did i just drop it? uh. . sorry. never mind. you won't even read this) Anyway, I don't know why it's big deal on top of your usual omnipotent regards to oneself that caused me to piss of- BIG TIME - that time, but those FU bomb throwing-spree where shrapnels to a bullet.  A bullet tattoeed with  we are never really gonna work out. sorry.

I may have dodged that bullet over the course of six years.  But this time was straight to the heart. One that gets you dead on arrival even before an the ambulance to start it's engine.  My response was simple: let's break up. indefinitely. effective immediately.

We've had these episodes before. Like a lot of those episodes and reruns. And we always end up pressing rewind and reboot to a love story that though seemingly running smooth at each episode's opening credits but never ever getting close to a real climax - a year without a great big fight.- or say just 3 months of #peace #noWAR #loveNotwar #undersandMeI'llUnderstandYou . May be you were right that the issues are really all on me, for making up assumptions and for not fully trusting you back again. Maybe yes and maybe, that is part of the package I asked for when I asked for resignation so I could commence on finding what our relationship had made me become to and earmarked from there so I could change myself or just really move on.

Buy #WHY do I bother writing to anonymous reader that I hope to be you?

Because right now, just 7 days after i demanded we #BreakUp , I'm failing. I can't sum of the courage needed to say to your face that I am failing in this demand that  I asked  for. I missed you already.  And I want you back this soon.  And to ask you to forget all those words I said last week.  To get a glimpse of you or at least an exchange of hi hellos with you is a commodity i'm willing to pay at premium on top whatever I have now.  I miss you but I still hate you and love you at the same time.

And I hope this writing anonymously will get me to unboard all these strong contradicting emotions and get me to focus in this last week of this most horrifying #audit #season ever.

A week from a break up is a very scary experience. There is always that temptation to get back to the familiar feelings of being with that particular somebody.  But settling to familiar feelings for  momentary convenience instead discovering new ones that will make us wiser and braver is a very cowardly deed.  And I am done being coward, but I'm still not done  being with you (oh my God, here it goes again.. stop! stop missing! focus is the key!)

Honestly,  I really don't know why I'm doing these,  or why I am writing these stuffs to the world.  In my very clouded membrane these days, I know, though selfishly, I am  slowly releasing myself from you and from my old self for the world to consume, so that when's there's nothing left of me, I can find that #Me  who is worthy of commitment and full trust of one person, reciprocally.

Yes that last 24/7 is a failure if we are to measure the number of hours i get to stare blankly over crowded financial statements,  because I can't stop thinking about you and how have you been since then.  But this blog will remind me how serious I am in unloving you.  This is a testatement that I am going to a certain direction. To move on and to be brave. What that destination really looks like ?  I really don't know yet.  And i really don't bother if it's still U who is gonna be there at the finish line.  All I know is a need this journey.

And I am serious and committed this time.

Thank you.


P.S this song has really been teasing me the whole week and it's s a total shit on how this LINE is perfect spot on to what I'm feeling right now:

Cause why I don't understandIs why I'm feeling so bad nowWhen I know it was my ideaI could've just denied the truth and liedAnd why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground